Last week I slept in a van...

Last week I slept in a van.

overnight.

for two days.

on a city street.

by choice.

Sort of.

I told my dad that Scott calls this “stealth camping”. He responded with “most people call this homelessness”.

Touché.

If Scott were to write the story of our first overnight van trip, he would simply say it was AWESOME.

Yeah, ummmmmm not quite, so I think it best to give my own pair of pennies on our first vanlife excursion.

I would like to preface this melodramatic tale by saying that Scott has put in tremendous work and super long hours on this project. He has done a brilliant job for this being the first time he’s ever used a power tool.

So let’s get started.

The word of the weekend was "STUPID".

You will soon see why. Keep reading.

We had intended to have the plumbing completed before this trip but decided on a different sink so we journeyed on without running water. This is not a HUGE deal until you have to use a public restroom to brush your teeth and wash your face… which again isn’t AWFUL until you realize that the bathroom you’re in doesn’t have towels and only air dryers. Have you ever used toilet paper you dry your face? It’s stupid. Just don’t. Note to self: always keep napkins in your purse.

The forecast for the weekend was RAIN. ALL DAY EVERY DAY. And it did. It didn’t downpour, but the heavy drizzle was just enough to piss you off. You know, the stupid kind of rain. Do I need an umbrella or just a hood? Do I want to carry this umbrella all day if I don’t need it? Will the rain make it colder? Do I need layers? Ohhh wait. There will be no hairdryer to save me if I get soaked (unless I find a bathroom with a hand dryer… see above) so actually, I need a hat, a hood AND an umbrella. This is…. Yes, this is stupid.

I am being super honest and transparent here, so please don’t tell me to lighten up. I’m plenty lightened. This was a practice run and a test about how things will be different in the van and how to adjust for those things- like growing pains of how to live minimally (for a minimum amount of time). As Scott would say, this is pushing us out of our comfort zone. Well yes – but also awwww HELL NO- It’s so easy for a man to say that when they can literally live off one bar of Irish spring soap and PB&J. Don’t get me started…

Back to Gatlinburg.

We left Friday for the 4 hour drive south. The drive was fine, no major issues. Scott took one turn too fast and a drawer flew out of a cabinet which scared us to death. Expletives were said. Paint was scuffed. Nothing was damaged.

We spent Friday evening entertaining ourselves at The Island at Pigeon Forge and Scott decided that this is THE PLACE. This is where we would spend our first night in the van. With lots of restaurants, a hotel, a brewery, and Ol' Smokey Moonshine, we figured overnight parking was allowed for those that shouldn’t be driving after a night of Island fun (like us!).

I sent a pin drop to my parents and asked for prayers.

Scott had slept on the bed twice before and said it was comfortable.

That was a lie.

A full-size bed is probably okay for one big person, but not two. (I’m 5’10, he’s 6’4.) Though it felt like sleeping on concrete, it was plenty warm and I slept pretty well for waking up every other hour to grumble this being stupid while trying to get comfortable again. Scott wasn’t as lucky since apparently, a gaggle of rowdy geese kept him up all night.

Night one was a solid 5/10.

The next morning was a true test of my power of positivity…. After some pillow talk about how not terrible the night was, but how stupid I thought it was that we were in a public parking lot, it was time to MOVE. I need a bathroom, I need a coffee, and I need to get off of this brick-hard bed.

By this time, the word stupid has become a big joke. We laughed every time I said it and started to giggle our way out of this comfort zone Scott seems so eager to leave.

We had scoped out the public restrooms the night before and headed straight there. (Toothbrush and dry shampoo in hand.) Coffee was nearby so I managed to get my ish together like a true Girl Scout without (much) complaint. Day two was off to a semi-good start.

We headed into Gatlinburg (different day, same stupid rain). Scott did some research on stealth parking and found out that River Road (the street behind the main drag) had free street parking IF you were lucky enough to snag a spot. AND WE DID. We left the van there all day while we galivanted around Gatlinburg (in the rain). We went back for a post moonshine mid-day nap that I barely remember (#moonshine) and after dinner, we stood in line for 2 hours at the haunted mansion (in the rain). This was... yes, you are correct, also stupid. This is a true testament to the love I have for my husband. I will take all the compliments for being a good wife. Please and thank you.

After the haunted house, we took to our van bed. We watched a show on Netflix via iPad. I sent a pin drop to my parents and again asked for prayers.

Night two was better than night one. Expectations were lowered, making it more enjoyable. (Which we all know is the key to happiness... zero room for disappointment when you don’t expect too much.) But Sunday morning came with a new dilemma. We drank too much the night before and I needed to A S A P EEPEE. With no public restroom close by, I had to use the miracle pee funnel that my mom bought me for camping/hiking. Listen, I’m not going to go into much detail here- except to say we laughed until we cried (and peed) that morning. For those wondering, we do have an emergency toilet for other needs. Happy to report it was not used on our maiden voyage and I hope it never is. I can explain all these delightful things in detail at some other point.

This would be our last day in G-burg. It was another gloomy foggy day and we were OVER the rain, so we decided to head home. We stopped at Dunkin Donuts for the mandatory large coffee and public restroom on our way out of town. The fall colors on our drive back to Kentucky were incredible. Was it worth having to use a pee funnel to see these amazing fall colors? eh, maybe...

All in all, I give the whole trip a 6.5/10.

Mildly enjoyable and mildly annoying (just like me).

Once it is 100% finished, some things will be easier and less stupid. Having our fridge and running water to make our own coffee/food will feel like a luxury. The main goal of vanlife is to be mostly self-sufficient without having to play hide and seek in different cities.

This was our first test and we passed- even if by the skin of our dunkin donuts brushed teeth.